Killing Time by Dave Bryson"What's important right now is the level of attention you can bring to what you are experiencing. Nothing else really counts." (A quote from 'Unfettered Mind').
Helpful counsel as I prepare to visit my younger brother, who has recently been diagnosed with inoperable cancer. He is a nurse like me and has decided not to receive any treatment, which in any case (he's been told by his consultant) won't make any difference.
The feeling of "waiting for the end" keeps intruding: he feels it, I feel it, his loved ones feel it. It's no use pushing it away, it must be acknowledged: "killing time".
The first time I went to see him after hearing his news I found myself rehearsing what I might say to him, then rehearsing that I would tell him that I had been rehearsing, then rehearsing that I would tell him that I had been rehearsing that I would tell him that I had been rehearsing...I expect you get the picture, infinite regress of intention. It made us both laugh, a little.
I kept seeing an image, a black-and-white snapshot of me by our suburban front door, standing in short trousers and a school cap, fresh home from school. In my arms, wrapped in a shawl, was my newborn brother. It was 1949.
I kept seeing an image, a black-and-white snapshot of me by our suburban front door, standing in short trousers and a school cap, fresh home from school. In my arms, wrapped in a shawl, was my newborn brother. It was 1949.
Being with someone you love as they are dying is very complex and mysterious, and it's awful as well. I'll concentrate on just turning to face what is, as I know my brother Jonathan is. Courage, maybe; trust, possibly; but mostly attention. Nothing else counts.
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